hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
50% drunk capacity currently
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
