I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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