It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
