It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
