why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
