How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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