there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
