her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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