well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
