I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize