Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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