I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
