3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
