I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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