my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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