Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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