We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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