I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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