Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
