Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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