where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
