I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I need to stop coming to work sober
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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