He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
