Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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