It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
