im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
