dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
