dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
