I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
