Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
