I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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