Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
