Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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