I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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