It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
