a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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