Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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