Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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