can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
