Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
