i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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