So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
