i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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