did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
