I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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