My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I think i got beer on your cat.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize