True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
