I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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