I love black thongs
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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