some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
