i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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