So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize