I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
