whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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