I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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