Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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