Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
