if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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