just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
