i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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